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Friends-Locked: Written from a low point

Insecure.

Worried.

A bad combo, often.

I'm worried about how long I've gone without work; I'm insecure about whether I'll find good work. Fitting work. Would it be a job I'm under-qualified or not qualified for, and I'd run myself ragged? Would it be a job I'm over-qualified for, and I'd get bored out of my mind?

Insecure. Worried. Still.

One reason is that I was applying for jobs at the company I'd temped at on and off for just over a year, feeling I had a good shot at returning as a permanent employee, and I got feedback on one possible job then nothing. The company has my résumé, it knows I'm interested, I hope it knows I've worked well there, but the silence sounds like a message. And makes me more insecure, because what if it is a message? A dismissal?

At least when I got fired from my last customer service job, I knew I hadn't helped as many customers as I'd needed to; I knew it was on me. (I hope not to do customer service again, because I do it too slowly.)

And at least when I got fired from the construction company years ago, I realized I'd been expected to do an increasingly difficult job due to the conditions my boss imposed, and that I then got fired for a bullshit reason. (Also, two months after firing me, my former boss asked me back. Really and seriously. That tells me that I had, in fact, done a good job.) That case, it was not on me. Here...I don't know. And it adds to my insecurity about what will be my next job.

I'll do something. Some work, for some pay. But the job hunt sucks, as so many of you know. And my worry and insecurity add to that. I had to tell myself yesterday afternoon, while on a sun-infused walk in East Portland (I'd ridden a bus farther than I usually go, and got off at random and walked a neighborhood I hadn't walked before), I am actually likely to find a decent work situation in my next job. I had to tell myself that expecting a bad work situation is me hampering myself. Self-hampering. (Oy, sounds like a phrase from a bad self-help book.) Because I've worked at many companies, with many co-workers, and — remember — generally gotten along with them. Generally did helpful work. Generally helped. Why would I stop doing that?

I WANT TO BE USEFUL. And to deal with my insecurity and worry. And I worry less and feel less insecure when I am being useful.

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