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Literally, Sports Edition

You might be surprised: as a kid, I was, surprisingly often, surprisingly literal. It was one of the reasons I was crap at telling jokes, and a sign that I needed to be more clever. Too literal and you can't think around corners. You can't think laterally. Maybe your intuition isn't given a full workout.

Be too literal, and you'll wind up thinking your way into a mental cul-de-sac that might in fact be weirder and more surreal than any non-literal thing you could have thought of. Example:

When I lived in Camarillo in first and second grade, I had a baseball pennant on my bedroom wall, even though I wasn't a baseball fan. It was for the San Diego Padres. It had this logo.

image.jpeg

I am not a religious person and my grasp of history was at best tenuous, and that plus my literal mind made me wonder: did the San Diego Padres dress like padres?

Would I have wondered this if I'd had a pennant from the Brewers, the Tigers, or the Orioles? I dunno, maybe I would've. Or even from Boston? Who could tell who's who when the players are all dressed like giant, say, socks? Excuse me, Sox.

(The Colorado Rockies and the Florida Marlins didn't exist yet, so no one would have to dress like mountains. Or Marlins. Poor Marlins, flopping on the grass, gasping for water...)

I assure you, the game that would have resulted would have been surreal and amazing, all generated by my not being able to think symbolically. Maybe it'd be a good animated film. Disney, call me.

I hadn't planned to write this on MLB Opening Day, but here we are.

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