Henry Gibson: In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number-one killer.
Hello, I'm Henry Gibson, speaking to you on behalf of the United Appeal For the Dead. Although so far there is no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still, everyone can acquaint themselvs with the three early warning signs of death:
1) Rigor mortis,
2) A rotting smell,
3) Occasional drowsiness.
It is also important to know what to do when you die:
1) Do not attempt to drive a car,
2) Do not operate heavy machinery,
3) Do not talk.
Your past contributions to this cause have already worked wonders. Many deserving families have been helped. Right now, I'd like you to meet the Hapsteaders.
[A wife and husband sit in their living room.]
Mrs. Hapsteader: Three years ago, our Johnny died. We thought that there was no hope, but then we discovered the United Appeal For the Dead. They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap...
[The camera pulls back to show Johnny's corpse on the sofa next to his parents.]
...he could still be a useful member of the family and the community. Our United Appeal For the Dead caseworker showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body didn't have to mean his absence from our daily lives.
[Cut to the extended Hapsteader family sitting down to dinner. Johnny's face falls into his food.]
[Cut to people on bleachers cheering a game. Johnny's body sprawls against spectators.]
We realized the constant joy that could be ours, as we were able to include him in our family activities.
[Cut to the Hapsteaders in and around a pool, playing with a beach ball. Johnny floats face-down.]
The United Appeal For the Dead turned misery into happiness. We have them to thank for our famiy's newfound togetherness.
[Cut back to Henry Gibson]
Henry Gibson: This is Henry Gibson saying, please give generously when Death knocks at your door.
...Rest in peace, Henry Gibson. You're an even better spokesman now.