Chris Walsh (chris_walsh) wrote,
Chris Walsh

Mike Russell watches Twilight

Now I'll shamelessly steal content from Mike "Culture Pulp" Russell, who said on his Twitter feed last night "I may live-tweet my first-ever viewing of Twilight. If you un-follow me, I WILL TOTALLY UNDERSTAND."

He added "In other news, there's a Movie Madness employee who looks eerily, uncannily like a young Brendan Fraser playing an indie-record-shop clerk. ... To go to Movie Madness is to feel judged by clerk-sneer, typically. But Indie Brendan Fraser was nice! (I also rented Outlander.)"

All that follows in this entry, at least unless someone comments, is from Mike (though I've added some explanatory links and notes):

Well, right off the bat, that deer-hunt needed more Raimi-cam. Looked like it got mugged there at the end.

In the bedroom, when they're looking around stupidly, Bella's dad totally looked like an off-duty Supertrooper.

Why is everyone always telling Bella how "good" and "funny" she is when she hasn't really said anything witty?

Oh dear GOD that guitar-strumming crescendo when Edward first walks through the door.

Boy, people really weren't kidding about this chick being a Mary Sue. Everyone just keeps telling her how rad she is.

Those owl wings. SUBTLE.

BTW, what was the science teacher drawing on the board during that first class? A Giger Alien skull?

I love how Edward basically "negged" her, Neil Strauss-Game style: She almost makes him vomit followed by overly probing personal questions.

I like how everything is lit and color-graded like Forks is under a giant fluorescent bulb. (Maybe this is Bella's Truman Show.)

My wife: "Bella looks like Kate Beaton's surly Wonder Woman."

Wait -- did Bella just basically say "Why didn't you just let that truck kill me so I wouldn't be confused and you wouldn't be angsty?"

I also love how Edward says he doesn't like crowds AND HE'S VOLUNTARILY ATTENDING HIGH SCHOOL.

That sepia flashback to the "treaty" looked like it was shot in one of those mall studios where you can dress like an Old West character.

My wife: "This relationship actually would have benefited, believability-wise, from a wordless music montage."

Actually, this movie nails young-dumb-love pretty well, in that Bella ignores warning signs in favor of hot-flashing on images of eyes/lips.

Oh, come on! In the book, that "How long have you been 17?" "...A while" exchange was played for laughs!

"This is what I am!" A comet nucleus whose volatile frozen gases are about to erupt in a solar-irradiated coma?

To those who asked: Yes, I perused the book, for this: Read the strike-rushed shooting script, too. (SO MANY COLORS.)

I love how these vampires are decades old, but their home decor is straight-up Conde Nast.

Also, am I to gather from that wooden cross on the stairwell that they also killed Jesus?

I am not making any jokes about what might have sproinged Edward back into the wall during that kissing scene.

Those vamps striding out of the mist looks just like it did in person ( ) -- like the opening of an '80s music video.

I'm sorry, but that baseball game was so over-the-top ridiculous it kind of totally worked for me. I'll take it over the brooding.

'Watching sports? Eating? That's you, Dad, not me!" Huh? [To which I replied "Breaking Daddy's heart: UR DOIN IT RONG."]

Bella divining that it was her ballet studio from that drawing is like NASA divining rocket telemetry from an xkcd comic.

So James [is] going to post that video to YouTube, right? What's his account name? "monologuing_undead"?

[Twilight director] Catherine Hardwicke is pretty decent at the fever-dream stuff, actually. Always liked that in her earlier flicks.

Also, let's be fair: Kristen Stewart is pulling off a damned miracle with these words she's forced to push out of her mouth. She's good.

I'm sorry, but I fear I might be Team Jacob.

Edward's hair at prom is like James Dean meets Tintin. It's like Bill Plympton production-designed it.

My God, it's true: Every scene with Bella and Edward is exactly like this chainsawsuit comic:

So, final analysis: Twilight actually not as bad as reputed. Nice to look at and Stewart holds it together. But the strike script HURTS.

As in her previous films, Hardwicke is good at the visually-overheated stuff and teen fever, but she lacks a sense of humor about it.

Ultimately, the film fails simply because the script sucks. It lacks anything like a coherent romantic conversation. It's all postures.

I could actually see New Moon being a lot stronger, given more script-polish time and a director with a comedy background. Let's hope.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to cleanse the palate with new Curb, Venture Bros. and some Vikings vs. aliens:

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