In a couple of venues (like here), Bobby, Mike and eventually others got into a debate about the merits of Shakespeare: is he overrated? Does attention to his works overwhelm theater? Do people focus on his works out of habit, or out of what they can get out of it? But a side-thought came up during this: no matter what you think about anything else Shakespeare did, he was a genius at writing insults.
Why not new Shakespeare insults?
And thus I started spamming Twitter with my attempts, and others joined in. And soon my little corner of the Internet was graced with these:
* "You nosehair-combing flea-farm!"
* "You crap-juggling failed yodeler!"
* "May your lying tongue reach back and strangle your entrails!"
* @culturepulp: "Thou resolution-lowering, atom-splitting Montessori driver!"
* "You mud-encrusted smog-gargler!"
* @culturepulp: "Thou Pinto-owning, Hilton-deep carb-counter!"
* "You road-buckling, weed-puking inverse pancreas!"
* @culturepulp: "Thou Ratner! Thou Michael Bay!"
* @carolynmain to @culturepulp: "Do you up your sack at me, sir?" "Well, my sack is upped, sir!"
* @FuriousDShow: "Thou hath the reliability of Lindsay Lohan's alcohol monitor!"
* "Thou dandruff-eater! Go swim with lice!"
* @culturepulp to @carolynmain: "A pox upon thine credit rating, thou Facebooker ! Thou graphic novelist!"
* @Lea_Hernandez to @culturepulp: "Thou bug-bespectabled Anthropologie trollop!"
* @FuriousDShow: "Thou art a pimple on the arse of progress."
* "Mayest thou dust bunnies grow fangs, you brook-nibbler who wears shoes on your feet!"
* @culturepulp: "Thou Rush midi! Thou boy-band!"
* "Thou spit-spackled no-armed centurion! May you exit your abode via a closed window!"
* @taradublinrocks: "Get thee to a rehab!"
* "I wish for you to excrete spiders, thou waxen-eyed self-hitter!"
* "Become adept at kicking your own face, you piss-reversing sewer-tonguer!"
* @carolynmain to @culturepulp: "Thou middle aged pre-teen sci-fi nerd stain on society's inseam!!!" (To which @culturepulp replied "I am killed! By Bieber's pate I am slain!")
* @IDLYITW: "Mangled flap-mouthed whorecunt! Thou shalt smile then bloweth me."
* @taradublinrocks: "Lord, what fools these Kardashians be!"
* @NormfromTexas: "Thou Hurr Durr myopic pud puller!"
* "Your shenanigans make my eyes roll all the way around & back. Your breathing makes my head hurt. Eat an encyclopedia."
* "Go make soup in your sinuses!"
* @culturepulp: "Thou resemblest an iPhone 4: fair of curve, slight in reception."
* @kiruppert to @culturepulp: "Thou vapid fool would challenge the very depths of Palin!"
But then Mike Russell contributed this:
@culturepulp: "You will hang like pretension 'pon a hipster's beard."
And I told him "And with that, thou hast won these Internets. *salutes*"
* Credit for "Yon momma" goes to online critic Scott E. Weinberg.