Chris Walsh (chris_walsh) wrote,
Chris Walsh

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All hail the mad geniuses at Peter David Dot Net

So on the website of Peter David, Writer of Stuff, Mr. PAD opined derisively on the Congressman who, while wanting the Ten Commandments posted in government buildings, couldn't name all of them during his interview on The Colbert Report. A couple of readers chimed in:

Okay, I'm going to give it a shot cold. Let's see how well the Catholic High School holds up after 20+ years:
In no particular order:
I am the Lord your God - though shalt have no other God before me.
Honor thy father and mother
Thou shalt not:
bear false witness,
covet neighbors possessions,
covet neighbors wife,
commit adultery
Keep holy the Sabbath
No false idols

Now can anyone list the other 100+ that went along with the remaining 10?

And the result, care of fellow readers, was...
11. Wait an hour after eating before you go swimming.
12. It's okay to eat chicken with your fingers.
13. When you're using a Q-Tip, only go on the outside; don't poke it into the canal.
14. Never eat at a place called “Mom’s.”
15. Never play cards with a man whose name is a city.
16. Never lie down with a woman who has more problems than you do.
17. Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
18. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
19. Never go on a comedy show where they can edit you into looking like an idiot.
20. Especially when you are already not too bright, making said editing quite easy.
21. Thou shalt not pull on Superman's cape.
22. Thou that smelt it, dealt it.
23. If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
24. Clean thy plate lest the children starve in China
25. Thou may vote for Nader, but know thy vote is cast upon the wind never to be seen or heard again.
26. Thou shall not let Joel Schumacher near a superhero franchise lest you be condemned to the lake of fire.
27. When all else fails, play dead.
28. Know your role and shut your mouth.
29. Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
30. Always have your towel handy.
31. In the trees, as you please; on the ground, not a sound.
32. You do not talk about Fight Club.
33. You DO NOT talk about Fight Club.
34. Someone yells Stop!, goes limp, taps out, the fight is over.
35. Only two guys to a fight.
36. One fight at a time, fellas.
37. No shirt, no shoes.
38. Fights will go on as long as they have to.
39. If this is your first night at Fight Club, you have to fight.
40. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.
41. Spit Rule: You must tap only the bottom of the beer bottles when toasting with them.
42. It's not a real sport if there are ******* dots on the ball.
43. You're not a real country if you don't have a flag.
44. Never tick off the Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells.
45. Not to eat meat, that is the law. Are we not men?
46. Not to go on all fours, that is the law. Are we not men?
47. Not to spill blood, that is the law. Are we not men?
48. Never read from an ancient book of Sumerian Demon Summoning, for it is foolish and shalt lead to much grief.
49. Even though the monster doth appear dead it is unwise to checketh to make sure it is so.
50. Smite a zombie upon the head. Do not smite him about the shoulder or chest for this is wasteful and will stop him not.
51 What God hath put together let not be torn asunder; do not split up for it only maketh it easier to die one by one.
52. Dwell not in a grave, nor a mausoleum, nor an ancient burial ground. Art thou stupid?
53. Heed not the words of toothless gas station attendants for they will lead thou and thine kin away from the path of holy righteousness and into the arms of inbred hillbilly cannibals.
54. Standeth not too close to those who make merry in times of strife for they usually biteth it quickly.
55. That goes double if they be Nubians.
56. Be kind to the meek for they may have psychic powers. Bathe them not in the blood of pigs, nor of cows, nor of any cloven hoofed animal, for the Lord doth not find it funny.
57. Messeth not with mother nature; increase not the sizes of scorpions or spiders or grasshoppers or crabs or rats or any other creeping thing for it is brainless and a wonder that it received grant money in the first place.
58. Look not a gift horse in the mouth.
59. If thou beith in a glass house, throw not the stones.
60. Thou shalt not mess in the affairs of dragons for thee art crunchy and good with ketchup.
61. Always get Leonardo Acropolis to paint the Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells in an emergency after much strong alcohol.
62. If at first you don't succeed, hire a media consultant to convice everyone that not only did you never try, but it was all a put-on by the opposition.
63. Thou shalt not question the driver as to the choice of music in the vehicle, for it is sacrosanct and leaves you subject to ejection at high speed a la that guy in Goldfinger.
64. Thou shalt not emulate X-ray, lest ye be subject to disemvoweling.
65. When returning from the captivity of a German master of disguise, always kill the nurse in the cow costume for everyone knows that Nursie is less interested in looking like a cow and more interested in proving that she is a disturbed woman with an udder fixation.
66. Never pay more attention to the person on your phone or the voice on your radio than the road while driving.
67. Don't cross the streams.
68. Don't look at the trap.
69. Never Tell me the Odds.
70. Never count your money when it's sitting at the table.
71. Affleck is the bomb in Phantoms.
72. When it doubt, blow it up.
73. When in doubt, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
74. (related to 21.) Thou shalt not spit into the wind.
75. Thou shalt not pull the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger.
76. Thou shalt certainly not mess around with Jim.
77. Let us do right to all, and wrong no man.
78. Remember, no matter where you go - there you are.
79. The possiblity of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.
80. Push the button every 108 minutes.
81. The surgeon general warns that smoking can cause lung cancer, emphysema, heart attack, and stroke ...and, you know, they're not bad after unprotected sex with multiple partners, either.
82. Snakes: Nature's Quitters.
83. A wizard did it.
84. Work yourself into a lather. Rinse. Repeat.
85. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
86. Never say, “I'll be right back.” Because you won't.
87. Never have sex. Because then you're dead.
88. Never expose them to sunlight.
89. Never get them wet.
90. Never feed them after midnight.
91. He who has the gold makes the rules.
92. (related to 79.) Never tell me the odds.
94. kaaaahhhhnnn!
95. It's people! Soylent Green is made out of people!
96. Rome wasn't built in a day. Ironically, Lego-Rome was built in about 20 hours.
97. Never tell Zinedine Zidane a “yo momma” joke.
98. Jack Bauer is the number one cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
99. Vulcans don't lie, they exaggerate.
100. It’s not HBO. It’s just regular-ass TV.
101. It was his sled. I just saved you two boobless hours.
102. Giveth Cerebus all your gold coins.
103. Reacheth into the hiding places of your parents and draw forth the pictures of dead presidents. Sendeth these pictures to me, in c/o...
104. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
105. Do not taunt Dynamite Monkey.
106. The Giving Tree is not a Chump.
107. No Groaning in my store.
108. Though shall not question, detain, arrest, or take Viagra from Rush in a Red State.
109. Never whistle while you’re pissing.
110. Never meddle in the affairs of Wizards for they are soggy and hard to light.
111. Let’s get Mikey! Yeah, he won't eat it. He hates everything!
112. Do not throw butts in the urinal, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
113. All your base are belong to us.
114: Trust your feelings ... and then if you can't be good, be careful.
115: If the girls don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
116: Thou shalt not make commandments that are not, in fact, commandments, but are instead truisms, warnings or suggestions.
117: Thou shalt not condemn others for transgressions also committed by thyself, as thou hast done within this very post.
118: Thou shalt avoid using Elizabethan English unless thou truly knowest it so thou dost not make a fool of thyself.
And the Zeroth commandment:
Don't eat the yellow snow.

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