Chris Walsh (chris_walsh) wrote,
Chris Walsh
chris_walsh

I'm a little needy. You've been warned.

So. Here comes the holiday that I, in my smart-assed mind, like to think of as the anniversary of the release of the film version of The Silence of the Lambs.

(Yes, the film came out Tuesday -- Tuesday, mind you -- Feb. 14th, 1991. The studio made a special effort to release it on Valentine's Day. I love that this happened, almost as much as I love that movie.)

But I'm not only a smart-ass.

But while it can be easier to mainly show my smart-assed side online, I should try to show more. I hope it's pretty clear that I do my best to be sincere, to get as close to consistently Doing The Right Thing as possible (and I'm aware when I fail at that, trust me).

Right now that doesn't seem like enough.

I need a little more support as I try to move my life in the best, most satisfying direction.

But also, I don't feel right doing the Valentinr thing this year. I worry I'd be doing it for the wrong reasons: Love me! Validate me! It seems the wrong use of my energy, which I need to direct towards improving my life situation, something which is a bigger deal than an annual holiday. I know that lots of you who read this are already fond of me; a Valentinr may be the wrong way, at this particular moment, for me to reinforce that. (So here I am asking for love and validation another way. I'm working through this, and that's usually not an elegant process.)

I'm trying to treat myself better. I'm also trying to be more open to being close to more people. That's the big thing: I can use more people in my life whom I'm close to. Especially in Portland, with more people I can actually see in person. More people to whom I can show I'm a worthy person, and, possibly, someone worth being in a relationship with.

I miss that. It's been too long since I've been a Significant Other to someone. Too long. Some of you know how long. To everyone else, trust me: it's been too long. And honestly, I have a better chance of getting into a relationship in person than I do via my online haunts. (Plus getting involved with someone online almost guarantees a Long-Distance Relationship, and I don't think I have the energy for that.)

So.

Can I get over myself? Can I make things work for me? Can I be special in that way to someone I find special?

Can I be better?

Only I can answer that.

To everyone who I'm letting read this: Thank you for being there, and being worthy people. Thank you for listening as I Work Through My Issues.

And what's next is...what's next.
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