Last week, after that thinking, I ended a friendship.
This, unfortunately, was a long time coming -- a long time of trouble, attempts to get past that trouble, and the both of us not being strong enough to get past it. But the fondness she and I had found over the years turned into mutual stress, me adding to hers, her adding to mine. And I'm not strong enough to deal with that, with her, anymore.
I'm trying to be sure which weaknesses and failures of mine led to this point. A mental inventory of my limits, and which are genuine and which are crap and excuse-heavy. How could I have handled this better? There was a key moment where I could have handled this better, months and months ago, and...I didn't handle it better.
Saying more than that -- and yes, I could say a lot more, mainly about how much depression fucks people up -- could devolve. It could turn into me either making excuses or denigrating her. I could say a lot about what I feel she needs to do to get better, but the times I had when I could have, should have, been honest enough to confront her with that -- the times when I could have said I'm fond of you, and so I need to call you on bullshit so maybe you can see it's bullshit -- I didn't. That's what I have to accept. That was likely the beginning of the end -- and maybe it still would've ended had I said what I felt needed saying, maybe it wouldn't have, but I would have tried. Tried more. Tried better. Tried what I could do.
Which is why I've been thinking.
So. Break-ups are possible even for people who were never a couple. I've only sort of understood that before. I understand it better now.
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