What doesn't fit my face? A mustache. I know. I tried. Photo proof from Sept. 3rd, 2008, courtesy Mike Russell:
That was at the Bagdad, before the Midnight Movie screening of Smokey and the Bandit. Cort Webber, Bobby "Fatboy" Roberts and their then-bosses KUFO FM encouraged people to wear mustaches to the showing because, hey, BURT MOFO REYNOLDS. The station even had a "print this out and put it on your face" fake mustache on its website. Some people arrived with Sharpie'd-on 'staches. But me, I could have the genuine article, so I did. Still, when someone compared me to William H. Macy's character from Boogie Nights, I instinctively felt the back of my head to be sure it was still there. And for the next day or so, while I still had the mustache, I'd burst out laughing each time I saw it in a mirror. So, I shaved. And will not be doing a mustache again.
I can't do a fuller beard, either. It doesn't get even long-ish anymore, let alone full and long. Back in college, it would get long-ish, but wispy, at most like Chris Barron from the Spin Doctors. It'll never be full, luscious, Civil War-general-level bushy. I accepted that long ago. (And even with that little bit of facial hair when I was a college student, people said I looked more like a Viking, or even Jesus Christ. Someone said that and I flashed on the line from the Dire Straits song "Industrial Disease": "Two men say they're Jesus/ One of them must be wrong...")
So. Clean-shaven or Van Dyke. Both work. And for me, that's fine.
* Also it made me wonder if Facial Hair donation or Donated Facial Hair is the better band name.