Chris Walsh (chris_walsh) wrote,
Chris Walsh

"Boys and girls of every age, this will make you get filled with rage..."

It was not yet even freakin' October when I saw this:

Seen online on September 30th, 2012. Oh, hell no.

Halloween goods. Christmas goods. BOTH ALREADY IN A STORE. Eighty-six days (maybe more) before Christmas. This is maddening. This is wrong.

This means war.

So my mind went to this: think of a sequel to The Nightmare Before Christmas where Halloween and Christmastown go to war. Think that one Christmas things got out of hand? What happens when both holidays run into each other one time too many and fight for limited space and time to celebrate? WATCH THE HOLIDAYS GO ALL HIGHLANDER ON EACH OTHER'S ASSES. There can be only a time!

Maybe it all starts with a misunderstanding -- say, someone STILL thinks the name's not Santa Claus, but Sandy Claws, and tries cracking open and eating him like a lobster -- but somehow s*** gets real. Battle lines are drawn (maybe literally). A reluctant but eventually heroic Jack Skellington finds the weapons he and Halloween need in the dug-up remains of Oogie Boogie. (Let's see: this Nightmare-themed game of Operation (really) says there was such stuff in Oogie's body as "crawling flesh," "spider veins," and "snake eyes"...) Sally gets help making hundreds of duplicates of her arms and legs so the extra limbs can be used as clubs. Lock, Shock and Barrel use their bathtub to bowling-ball their way ("WHHHEEEEEEEE--" CRASH) through the elf front lines.

Santa and his side desperately look to how to weaponize snow, figuring if that doesn't work, they could just dump it in Halloween's troops' eyes. BUT WHAT ABOUT HALLOWEEN RESIDENTS WITH NO EYES? But! Christmas light strings turned into Tazers! They might work! Guns that shoot candy canes! Strangling tinsel! (I want to suggest edible mistletoe, but to quote another Tim Burton-involved film, "Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it." Bad to have in a kids' entertainment.) Versus pumpkins with working jaws and fangs! Tombstones that slap you and knock you over! The Who When You Call "Who's There?" will spy on Christmastown, and THAT's a hell of a secret weapon! But what if one side gets help from Easter? BUNNIES. OVERRUN WITH BUNNIES.

Tragically, though, Thanksgiving gets caught in the crossfire. Millions of turkeys bleed stuffing and cranberries. "What, have, we, done?" Jack laments (he's good at lamenting). IS there still time to set things right? Jack, Sally and Santa must join forces and find a way!

Give me time to write some Danny Elfman song parodies and this is ON.

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