Chris Walsh (chris_walsh) wrote,
Chris Walsh

This is about not making progress. Yet.

Yesterday, I could have gone to the temp agency office to reactivate as a temp. I did not do that. Not yet. I was downtown, dressed business casual, but told myself It's an option. Do it today or do it later. It'll be later. I hung out downtown for the midday and afternoon instead.

I didn't go -- again, yet -- because I was worried I'd first say to the recruiters "Why should I trust you?"

I have reason to believe I wasn't treated fairly when getting let go from this most recent assignment -- that there was a procedure in place that should have been followed and wasn't. Put most simply, I think the agency and the company they work with were supposed to give me more warning.

You can choose whether or not to believe me on this: I was doing my job, just not as quickly as they wanted. That was the ONLY issue. I was relating decently to customers. I was not causing problems with co-workers. I get the feeling that had I been treating people badly -- say, insulting customers, intentionally giving them the wrong info, harassing co-workers -- I would have been given more warning.

And I'm thinking back to when I got fired not because I wasn't doing a good job in an office, because I was, but because I wasn't "fitting in" at that office. After two years at that office. When (I kid you not) that boss invited me back because he hadn't found a good replacement for me, the condition was that I would need to, shall we say, meet him halfway and fit in better there.

I know the kind of person that former boss is: he would change whatever his criteria for "fitting in" were, and probably simply not realize it. He wouldn't be malicious about it, he'd just unconsciously move the goal posts. What would count as "fitting in"? He'd be sole arbitrator of that. And would get mad and offended if I pointed that out to him.

And I'd, once again, be disposable.

That's a big part of why I feel so raw about this, two weeks out from the end of this latest assignment. I feel I've been disposed of. More than once. And it's not likely to be as productive a job hunt if I go in thinking "How will this not work out? How will people I may possibly work for decide, perhaps arbitrarily, that it's not working out?"

I'll get over that block. I have to. I want to. And I knew I wasn't necessarily ready to get over that block yesterday. When I've made progress, I'll let you know.
Tags: work

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