Chris Walsh (chris_walsh) wrote,
Chris Walsh

The latest weird feelings about being social

I forced myself not to say it. Or, I managed to keep from saying it; I can put it that way.

Just over a week ago I was visiting Ben, a bike shop owner I know who's married to my friend Kara, and the subject of preseason NFL football came up. I almost started sharing my idea of football of the future. I stopped myself, and actually apologized to Ben because what I'd almost said was too random. It was just linked by the subject being football. It wouldn't have added much to the talk; it would've just been me going to an easy thing for me to say, but which probably would've made him go "What?"

I like that I apologized. It was a good way to check myself. Because darn it, I want and need to be better at what I was talking about earlier, socializing.

Because sometimes lately it feels like I had the socializing equivalent of a stroke, and lost those skills, and need to re-train myself in them.

Over-dramatic way of putting it, I know, but it helps me to think of it that way.

Don't say something just to say something: add something. Pay attention to those around me, and pick up on signals. Am I talking about what we both want to talk about or what I want to talk about? Am I adding something relevant, or at least interesting? And, a big issue, am I making the person feel better that I'm with them?

I've had to keep reminding myself that, generally, people do like me to be around. It's as if I have a harder and harder time accepting that. And I want to reinforce that I can be good with people; I don't want to start pushing people away, due to my insecurity or my other issues.

Also, HOW OFTEN HAVE I WRITTEN ABOUT THIS? How often have I thought and worried about this? Because this is part of the work to be an ever-better person, and I want to do that work well.

Insecurity sucks. You probably knew that, but hey, good reminder.

Take care of yourselves. I'm definitely trying to.

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