Chris Walsh (chris_walsh) wrote,
Chris Walsh


LOS ANGELES, CA—In what is being hailed as a long-secret, finally-revealed technological breakthrough, Hollywood technicians admitted after an investigation into their work that famous actor Bill Murray not only never says what is attributed to him online, but never speaks for himself at all.

The crew demonstrated that the iconic actor, somehow born without a mouth, wears a hologram generator on his neck which 24/7 projects an image of a mouth onto his face. The speaker attached to the generator then allows him to "say" not only any line of dialogue his films require, but whatever any lazy online writer thinks should be a Twitter joke or a Facebook meme.

"His laconic hilarity in Ghostbusters, his heart-breaking performance in Groundhog Day, and that alleged joke about the deaths of Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs, and Bob Hope are all made possible by our equipment," explained technician Dalton Foster of Los Feliz. "Our technology could help anyone say anything they want him to, and whatever is said doesn't even have to be funny because having Bill Murray say it makes it funny. It's science."

Foster elaborated, "One major challenge we met was his whisper to Scarlet Johansson in Lost In Translation, but we can report that we made the illusion work and that the mystery is solved because Murray said nothing to her."

When asked for a response, Murray said something vaguely almost-funny that you could've sworn you'd heard before.

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Tags: fiction

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