February 10th, 2008

Whale fluke

A little flat


Right now I'm feeling...complicated feelings, but they average out to me feeling, shall we say, a little flat. I'm significantly unexcited right now. Probably, I'm significantly unexciting, too.

Work remains weird, and it's become increasingly unsatisfying. I haven't been getting support on one key thing at the job -- I feel I should be vague, sorry -- and it seems emblematic of how I don't feel supported in toto at the job. While I do "Meet Expectations" (as my supervisor stated in my annual review), I don't feel I'm adding much.

I also don't have much in common with my officemates; I barely talk to them. It doesn't help that the past year-and-a-half has seen an exodus by most of the people I actually liked and could relate to. Those who remain are, almost to a person, annoyed, cynical, and expecting everything to go wrong. Complaining is the constant exercise. (Plus they seemingly have no sense of proportion. I lose track of how many times a certain someone who I won't name complains about something, anything, and then adds "It's terrible." This can refer to someone dying of cancer or the building's heat being too high. It's like they need to add drama in their lives, so they cast everything that happens in dramatic terms. I find that exhausting.)

And all I'll say about the politics of the people I work with is: Do they realize how many of their political positions seem based not on thoughtful consideration of the world, but on fear? On being scared of the world? And that's all I'll say so I don't dive into ranting.

On the personal front, I've felt disconnected from people. Outside of the office, I see very few people in person (and not that many people in the office, frankly). I usually am good at being alone, but honestly, lately I've felt lonely. I'm glad I can reach people other ways -- the Net, this LJ, the phone -- but even simple hugs don't happen enough for me right now. Or even just simple hanging-out with people. And one result is that my natural smart-assed attitude has, a couple of times recently, spilled over into me just being an ass. And I hate that.

I want to feel connected again.

Okay, then, Chris: get connected. Or re-connected.

I've done it before. It's possible. I can make good things happen. I can make better things happen. I can remain a good person who people like. I can be a good friend. I can be better.

I can be better.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for bearing with me, too.
  • Current Music
    the whistles of trains
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Errands: done!

My peregrinations today have paid off. A combination of car-driving, bussing and walking have helped me take care of these things:

* Make an ATM run
* Drop off my car for maintenance
* Reading (Ray Bradbury's "Frost and Fire," from R Is For Rocket) while waiting for the Max back to the Hollywood District
* Stop at the Belmont library
* Buy soap and frozen berries (for smoothies) at Trader Joe's

And my library pick-up, to the delight of several who read this, is Season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. See where it began, is what I now shall do...