March 5th, 2008

Whale fluke

Look out, I'm whining.

I don't trust myself right now.

Here's part of the reason why.

Lot of issues at the moment: I feel close to either burning out at my job or (possibly) having my job disappear. My energy's low. I feel disconnected from people, both online and in my office. I'm both aching for companionship (of the me-boyfriend-you-girlfriend variety -- or the "you and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals/ So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel" variety) and feeling distinctly unloveable. I've been ruder; yesterday I flipped off a bus because it didn't stay at the stop even after I tried to signal to the driver to stay so I could reach it. (When I had the chance to catch up to the bus, I didn't; I thought I'd be a hypocrite, on top of being rude, if I first do that rude thing to the driver and then act like the driver's my best friend for waiting at the next stop. So I walked farther, to a different stop for a different bus. Sometimes I think I'm the only person who thinks thoughts like that. I guess I'm a man of weird convictions.)

So I'm not liking how things are going.

And when I think about all of these issues, I have a louder-than-normal voice in my head telling me: You're going to do the wrong things when you deal with these issues. You're going to screw up; you're going to make things worse and get the wrong people mad at you.

It's like I'm trying to psych myself out.

This also happened as I started thinking about what kind of car I want to buy to replace my Accord; I've had to counter the critical voice by saying to myself I chose well back in 1997 when I bought that Accord; I'll choose well again and get something good. But I'm having trouble trusting that voice.

So I'm not trusting myself.

Annoyances have accumulated. One work thing: I've hit the cap of Paid Time Off I can accrue, meaning I'm missing out on part of my pacycheck and missing getting something I'm supposed to be earning (making me an even more cost-effective employee, huh?). But Christmas Day and Thanksgiving and New Year's Day aside, I've only taken partial days off since, I think, September. (How dare I not get sick!) I last was on vacation in August for Walter and Sasky's wedding. I last took time off purely for myself in my long weekend at the Oregon Coast last May. I've felt trapped at my job, and that feeling has prevented me from planning and doing the vacations I hope to take to Hawaii and to the Northeast. (Seriously; both should've happened by now, at least as I initially thought of doing them.) If I decide to stay at my job, that might not keep me employed (hospital-contracter politics; I'd prefer not to say anything else right now). And if I change jobs (which would mean changing employers, too), suddenly there's no reserve of time-off I can use.

So I'm worried. I'm stressed. And I need to break this negative cycle so I can deal with the things that are causing me to worry and stress.

So that's me right now: a little overwhelmed. I'll deal with it; I'll figure stuff out; I'll make things better. I'll get happier. I've done it before.

I needed to get this off of my chest. At least I felt I needed to do that, but then, still, there's that voice, that blasted not-trusting-myself voice that's saying You just want to bitch. So I need to be positive and help myself. I need to SILENCE THAT VOICE. I need to show it who's boss.

If you're still here, thank you for reading all the way to here. As changes happen, (I hope) more positive changes, I'll tell you, too.
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Whale fluke

R.I.P. film composer Leonard Rosenman

Film composer Leonard Rosenman has passed away.

He was around from the Fifties (scoring both Rebel Without a Cause and East of Eden, which starred his friend James Dean) to this decade, writing often very modernistic and aggressive film scores. I most recently ran into his music at the Super Trash Film Festival, waiting for RoboCop 2 to finish and for Big Trouble in Little China to start; I liked the finale music that I heard, because it had kind of a bright urgency (though whoever told him to have a female chorus singing "Ro-Bo-Cop" in the end credits, um, should not have told him so). I always found Rosenman's score for Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home to be uneven, but the film's opening fanfare would give me chills, and he managed to write some of the most unsettling, "Oh no"-causing music that's been in Star Trek films.

Rosenman's credits also include Fantastic Voyage, the fantastically bleak Beneath the Planet of the Apes and Stanley Kubrick's Barry Lyndon.

Some aoniedesade birthday words

*ponders the birthday of friend aoniedesade*

Hmmm…should I call it “Aonie” and set it to the tune of West Side Story’s “Maria”?

Um…no, I don’t think so.

(And I won’t set it to Debbie Harry’s “Maria,” either, even though that’s a good song.)

Let’s see:

by Christopher Walsh

Find your animals.
Find your calm.
Find more of your poetry, your personal song
To tell of your nourishment, comfort, and joy:
Your figuring-out-ness, your methods employ’d
That helped you survive from The Start to The Now
And – after all that – further joy, you’ll allow.

Happy birthday, Aonie (a little late, but the lateness does not affect the sentiment). Be good to your pets; be good to yourself. And remember: all of that poem (future tense for reasons of poetry aside) has already happened.

All the best, hon. I’m glad we’re friends.