October 29th, 2008


They know what you need... (OH CHRIS WALSH NO)

On behalf of someone I know who’s having a bad day:

Voice # 1: Oh no! It’s all gone wrong!
Voice # 2: She needs something to go right tonight!
Both # 1 and 2: Quick! Summon the Lay Men!

*objects-falling level of noise as the Lay Men scramble into place*

The Lay Men: Hup-hup-hup-hup-hup!

(The Lay Men line up. They’re manly men dressed in kilts, both traditional and UtiliKilt. They wear tight shirts showing off their physiques. Sharp Van Dykes mark their faces. They look determined. They wield dildos.)

The Lay Men: The Lay Men, yes! That’s what we are! Giving sexual healing from near to far!
We feed your need for laying speed! To get you satisfied is our creed!
Your stress, it stinks, so we handle kinks! And when we’re done, you’ll get forty winks!
Your dreams? Fulfilled! Your rest? Like the dead! You’ll feel LOADS better ’cause of what happened in bed!
The Lay Men: Us! You’ll be moved to cuss! We’re ready for you, without any fuss!

*beat chests in unison*

…the Lay Men. (They need a slogan. A slogan would go here.)
Me 1


Inspired by how I sometimes slap myself for having Bad ThoughtsTM:

Scene: Man and woman, friends, sitting together. Out of the blue, man makes a wry face, then slaps his cheek.

Woman: What? What was that for?
Man: I had a bad thought.
Woman: Oo! What was it? Tell me!
Man: No! You’d slap me, too.
Me 1

"'Ask' comes before 'Assume.'"

As I said today at work.

It's true. And "'Ask' comes before 'Assume'" could maybe do some of the work of "You know what happens when you assume: you make an ASS of YOU and ME." That saying puts the onus of the assumption on both the assumer and the assumee (is that a word? I don't know and I don't care! I created a slogan today!), when in my opinion the onus really should weigh most on the assumer. (I say that as someone who's sometimes assumed too much. I've been an ass before. I admit it.)

So. "'Ask' comes before 'Assume.'" Use it well.*
* Context! I was doing a paperwork thing, realized I thought I needed to do Action X with that paperwork but didn't know, so I asked and found I'd assumed wrong, so I did Action Z instead and realized the line that began this entry. You know how it began! It began "'Ask' comes before 'Assume'..."

Inspiration, c/o Roger Ebert

Roger Ebert wrote in his blog about how losing his ability to talk has changed him:
There is one thing I can do as well as ever. I can write. When I am writing my problems become invisible and I am the same person I always was. All is well. I am as I should be.

After my first stretch in the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago, I began to write again, a little. After my second, I returned to a nearly normal schedule. This spring during my third rehab, I was able to log onto a wi-fi network and begin writing much more. This year, which has included two major surgeries, I have so far written 170 reviews, 22 Answer Man columns, 28 Great Movie essays (not all yet published), and 37 blog entries.

In May, I began to sense a change going on. At first it was subjective. This autumn it has become undeniable. My writing has improved.

By that I don't mean it's objectively better from the reader's point of view. I mean it has expanded within my mind, reaches deeper, emerges more clearly, is more satisfactory. Sometimes I glory in it--not the quality of the prose, but the quality of the experience. I find myself writing more, because I will return to that zone longer.
Read the whole thing. You will be impressed. You will be inspired.