...and writes a spoiler-heavy Terminator: Salvation review that's probably more entertaining than the film itself:
So Skynet nuked the humans because it became self-aware and decided to wipe out humanity. Something we’ve been told in the first movie, 20 episodes of The Sarah Conner Chronicles, the second movie, countless flipping comics, and the third movie. Oh, but this time, we get Danny Elfman doing his best impersonation of Orbital. Seriously, we get it, Skynet hates us. All robots hate us. Just start the damn movie already.
More than that happens in this movie.
I know, but I don’t really care. I mean, we were totally promised a full on human versus robot wars. All we got was Christian Bale bouncing between pissed off and pouty-face. You know what, if I were Michael Ironside, I would have blown off this John Conner as well. The guy sucks. Follow him as the savior of humanity? Frak that.
What worked in Terminator Salvation?
McG is really good at film[ing] crap that explodes. He isn’t at Michael Bay levels of awesome, but the dude had potential. Also, the movie sounds really great. Seriously, whenever the robots slowly turn their heads and go all red-eye squinty at the humans, they sound awesome! Like is Optimus Prime was all constipated and went for one big energon push. Just. Like. That.
Hey, come on now, my family reads this site.
Yeah, well it is my family too and I can promise a couple of them laughed their butts off on that Transformer bowel movement joke. Anyway, all the women in this movie are super hot, even Darla, who clearly survived her relationship with Tyler Durden and went into bio-mechanics, or something...