February 19th, 2010


What Goes Unsaid

As seen from this end, the end where the person (me (hi)) who writes this journal actually writes it, it seems this journal is often defined or at least shaped by what I don't say.

I consider a lot of topics that I don't write about. My allergy to drama stops me. My relative inexperience with arguing stops me: at times I figure I'll either come up with an unfair argument that someone will rightly dismantle, or I'll make a fair, good argument...that people just won't care about, or will flat-out ignore. (And I often feel I don't know enough to make that fair, good argument in the first place.)

I'm being cagier about writing about work. My job isn't classified (my brother's is, though interestingly often he can tell us what he does...but not why), but a lot of it does have to be confidential, and so if I write about it, it has to be vague at best. (And something embarrassing and frustrating for a higher-up in my department dominated both Thursday afternoon and Friday morning. And I'm definitely not writing about that, because I feel strongly why it's embarrassing/frustrating and I don't want to risk trivializing that.)* So a lot of neat or at least interesting details can't be brought up.

A lot of ideas go through my head during the day and don't get typed up, because (understandably) I have no blog access during work. I did at the hospital, which had a very liberal online access policy which boiled down to "You can go online during down times, just don't look at porn or sites that'll give the computers viruses." And I really grew into blogging during that time, about which I'm glad, but in a way, I was spoiled. Most of my jobs since then haven't had that looseness. Here it's especially tight; I can't even look at Gmail. I have written down ideas to remind myself later to write about them, but I could do that with more ideas.

The energy to blog has lagged lately, too. Attention span: also variable. Easier to use those quickly-written-down ideas on Twitter.

But a huge factor in all this is my need to be fair. Even when others aren't being fair to me, which happens sometimes, or when I feel others are being unfair to others. Example: I've been tempted to do one of those "I have issues with anonymous friends" posts, where I'd say what bothers me about a person who goes unnamed. I've also been tempted to do such a post where each issue is with the same person. Which is a bullshit move. Have issues? Talk about them directly. Which is often a needed act. And which I can manage to do. Doing an anonymous issues post would just be inviting drama. And again, allergic to drama. I take Vitamin No for that. Another example: how I'm still rankled by unfair treatment from DECADES AGO. Seriously. Fourth grade, Virginia Beach, VA, sometime in either 1983 or '84, I was suspected of doing something bad that I hadn't done. I no longer remember what I was accused of; I do still remember my teacher Mrs. Hart telling me "I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt," which made me want to say You don't have to give me the benefit of the doubt, I didn't do it. Somehow I still remember this 25+ years later. Brooding: I can do it. (Which is its own issue that I've dealt with my whole life. Thank goodness I finally grew a sense of humor to better deal with this. Trust me, I was a serious kid. Had such trouble being funny. Jokes were brutalized in my hands. But if I hadn't learned a sense of humor, I'd probably be DEAD.)

And if I so hate being treated unfairly, it follows that I should do my best not to treat others unfairly, yes? I don't want to write blog posts I'll regret and delete. I've deleted VERY FEW entries in the five-plus years I've had this journal. It's easier and safer not to write the potentially (POTENTIALLY) unfair or drama-causing entries in the place that is first.

But then I miss blogging. I miss the personal positive feedback loop of feeling better after I've written. I keep thinking maybe I won't feel that with the next entry, and sometimes I don't, but other times -- really, most of the time -- I find satisfaction in doing this.

There are ways to do this. To write well, and entertainingly, and fairly.

Let me know if I'm failing at any of that.

* I was wrong. I assumed wrong based on limited info. So the frustrating situation I thought was happening, wasn't. So now I'm even less likely to write about it.