September 1st, 2013

TNG Darmok

Let the insecurities out.

OK, Chris. Write about it. Acknowledge it. See what you can do about it.

There's muchness in my head lately. I mean as usual. You're not surprised, and neither am I; I'm the one with some 40 years' experience in this body and this mind. And in that mind, I brood. I worry. I get insecure.

Am I adding much to the world?

Am I a good enough friend?

Am I there enough for people?

How many people genuinely like me? Or do people mainly tolerate me instead of liking me?

Who have I pissed off? Who am I starting to piss off? Who's mad at me but won't tell me? Who's mad at me and will gladly tell me, because I've bothered them?

Have I driven people away?

Am I able to keep up with conversations? Can I add to them? Am I saying the most obvious, thoughtless stuff? Am I trying too hard to be clever at the expense of being substantive? Is everyone I'm talking to wanting to say "Oh, just shut up, Chris"?

Welcome to my mind. The not-fun parts of it.

I just have to remind myself: being insecure sucks, but there have been times where I haven't let it stop me. And that each thing I'm insecure about? There are ways to get over it. Over all that I'm letting get to me...plenty of which I still didn't list here. Maybe I'll acknowledge them. Maybe I'll just deal with them.

So. You know a little more.