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January 2nd, 2018

GIANT BLANKET MAKES UNITED STATES ALL NICE AND COMFY

DATELINE THE ENTIRE CONTIGUOUS U.S. — The brutal, record-breaking cold snap hitting the lower 48 U.S. states has met its match: a 3.1 million square mile knit blanket.

"Why didn't we think of this before?" reported NOAA spokesperson Mitchell Burriss as he explained to reporters that the collective efforts of a nation of crocheters has given the country a new way to get comfortable. "Think of it this way, we all can be snug as a bug in a rug if every state is as plush as a rug."

Body heat from the 306,675,006 residents of the area will keep people warm.

When asked for a reaction, residents of neighboring Canada were mildly embarrassed.

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