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February 11th, 2019

Out, damned thought

You may be surprised how easy it is for me to think like an asshole.

I have a devious side. I rarely show it, but it's there, ready to think If I wanted to mess with someone, and screw with someone else, and annoy yet still someone else, I could do [x] and [y] and [z]. Hmm...

But I see where those thoughts are going, and I try to halt them. Don't think that way. Don't. You'd be unfair to act on those thoughts, as momentarily satisfying as acting on them might be. Bottom line, if you did that, you'd feel like shit later.

That helps me behave. Or, to be more specific, that helps me not behave like famous jackass Andy Kaufman, someone I think of often. (I honestly admire the man, for how willing he was to Commit To The Bit. But as I've said, Kaufman didn't mind risking getting punched for some of his stunts. I WOULD MIND, is my thing.)

I've had a particular thought lately. It's my response to someone I admire, a person and artist I've been a fan of for nearly two decades, being or becoming a reactionary, dismissive jackass. Maybe they weren't before and became one, or maybe they really always were like this, which is possible. I thought of a way to express my frustration and displeasure with them. I will not share my idea. It would be a jackass-y thing to do; it'd be jackass-y even just to pretend to want to do it. And I worry that if I share it, even as a "don't do this, even if it's satisfying to think" thought exercise, someone might actually do it. Someone might seriously do it, and an ugly idea would have entered the world.

Thoughts have power. I'm increasingly aware of that. And I'm increasingly careful about the thoughts I share: Would this help the world? Would it not? Am I allowing my crankiness about certain people and events to lead me to think like this? So, there's so much I do not say.

So much.

I can give power to happier, more positive thoughts. That's a goal. That's something I can work towards. Even Andy Kaufman would have understood the power of that.

This is an entry I wrote to keep from sharing something I may otherwise have shared. Have I said something needed without really saying much? Maybe.

Peace.