And the cyber-vandalism of the forum -- done with love by fans and friends -- began after Wednesday, March 5, at 18:13:32, when Harlan posted
...in general just try to behave yourselves. Because, if your Mother and I have to stop this car, you'll...FRANK!! Take those beans OUT of your nose, this very minute! Mother, will you PLEASE speak to the boy, you know he gets it from YOUR side of the family! Where the fuck was I...? Oh. Yeah. Got it. Gone. Seeya next Tuesday or thereabouts.
Yr. Pal, Harlan
- Thursday, March 6 2008 6:43:34
While Harlan's gone I'm gonna rummage through his stuff. Anyone with me?
Ooooh, Big Little Books...
Allentown, PA. - Thursday, March 6 2008 7:9:41
I have already hidden all of his post it notes and brodart folding tools. Everything near his night stand has been replaced with Mary Higgins Clarke and Executioner novels. All comics have been reorganized by cover price. I am currently re-shelving all his books by publisher and height of spine. Clean dishes are being left in sinks. Dish towels are being dropped and left.
SO many lights are being left on you just don't want to know.
- Barney Dannelke
- Thursday, March 6 2008 7:59:57
You go on busying yourself with those Big Little Books. I'm over here, happily pouring maple syrup into the carriages of his manual typewriters.
I'm training the ants to climb up the walls in formation.
- Thursday, March 6 2008 8:33:2
Don't mind me. I'm just turning every single one of Harlan's on-the-hanger t-shirts inside out.
Every. Single. One.
The Lone Haranguer
- Thursday, March 6 2008 8:39:11
Do you think he'll know who it was when I put the "John McCain for President" signs all over the front lawn and driveway?
I swear it was Frank who rearranged the tiles on the roof to spell out "I luv Nixon" which was going just a little too far in my opinion.
Chicago, - Thursday, March 6 2008 8:59:14
And I am replacing Harlan's jazz and classical music record and CD collection with the complete works of Kenny G, SpyroGyra, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Hanson, Celine Dion, Madonna, RBD, Menudo, Ricky Martin, Shakira, ABBA, REO Speedwagon and any other lame Latin and world pop and rock artists you can think of. Too many to list here. Also replaced his turntable with an iPod.
Portland, OR - Thursday, March 6 2008 9:10:21
redecorating Ellison Wonderland
I'm gonna hunt down a Naomi Campbell doll to wrap around and lock lips with his Edgar Allan Poe puppet.
Clermont, FL - Thursday, March 6 2008 9:21:58
Quick, somebody set him up for email and program his fax machine to forward to email! I'm sure he'll appreciate the favor.
San Francisco, California - Thursday, March 6 2008 9:28:32
You can have the Big Little books, but leave me all the dinosaur stuff please!
- Thursday, March 6 2008 9:28:44
And I shall have at the gargoyles! Eyeliner on Nixon! Mascara on Agnew! Grotesquely massive earrings on the Phyllis Schlafly model! Not to mention the addition of the Ann Coulter simulacrum, complete with Adam's Apple, coke-trimmed nostrils and glassy, soul-dead eyeballs!
Remember, everyone. We're all going to have to pitch on on the great Aztec Sculpture renovation. It's just too old-fashioned, too, you know, *retro* and *old school*. It has to appeal to a younger demographic. So Dannelke'll stop by the Home Depot for the heavy-gloss-exterior paints we'll use to *colorize* the facade. I had Joel Schumacher work up a sketch of the final product, so Barney, dear, do remember to stick to *primary colors only*, 'kay?
After that, we'll go through Harlan's bookshelvs and turn all the books so the bindings aren't facing out. A house full of shelves of nothing but *page edges*. But don't worry about finding books, Harlan. We'll make sure to write the titles on the page edges in big capital letters, with Sharpie pens.
It's gonna be beautiful, people! Let's Vandal!
- Thursday, March 6 2008 9:39:12
I've signed him up for myspace, youtube, facebook, and sold his info to 37 different porn sites.
Phila., - Thursday, March 6 2008 10:6:27
It's fun to fantasize about having unrestricted access to that particular Taj Mahal. What would I go for first? The 3,000 film/tv books, followed by the recordings, if any, of QUIET, PLEASE.
Hey, I can dream can't I?
- Thursday, March 6 2008 10:6:54
Doing my part
...and I shall have his bedroom wallpapered, with an endlessly repeating print pattern depicting an old fashioned sampler in which, surrounded by heart-shaped stitching, are the words "I Wuv You."
This to match the new canopy bed, and the Hummel figurines of adorable kitties.
Oh, and speaking of, we should get the man a cat.
- Thursday, March 6 2008 10:14:5
...I will now be silent for a couple of days -- it'll take me that long to finish these damned T-Shirts... there must be hundreds!!!
Minneapolis, - Thursday, March 6 2008 10:25:59
Anybody got some old Merv Griffin posters we can put over the bed?
How about filling the refrigerator with leftovers from McDonald's and Burger King?
Bremerton, Washington - Thursday, March 6 2008 11:17:25
I'm going to tell! I'm going to tell! Nyah! Nyah!
Shane with Sharp Teeth
- Thursday, March 6 2008 16:37:37
Okay, I've just replaced all of the lights in the Art Deco Dining Pavilion with strobes. HeHeHaHaHoHoHaHa--
Austin, TX - Thursday, March 6 2008 22:54:59
Jesus! What have you people done to this place?! Who put the signed photos of Nick Counter and Sidney Sheldon over the piano? Who made the American Idol frescos facing the driveway? Who sold the Grey Ghost and bought an AMC Pacer, that is right now leaking oils and colored fluids onto the garage floor? Who painted the Warhol-esque Anna Nichole Smith nudes on the inside of his sunglasses? Who was playing with hundreds of toy cars and soldiers and baseball cards and just left them laying in the middle of the room? Who let Little Orphan Annie's Sandy out without a leash? Who finished The Last Dangerous Visions manuscript and sent it to Christopher Priest for editing and Fantagraphics for publishing?!?
Man, when mom and dad get home, you guys are DEAD.
- Friday, March 7 2008 5:54:13
Holy crap you guys! The worst I've done so far is to schmutz up a few Orphan Annie pages with Hydrox crumbs. David Loftus, that is so sick.
Southeast Michigan - Friday, March 7 2008 9:22:27
Not as sick as how I read it the first time...I thought Loftus was gonna kiss Poe.
- Friday, March 7 2008 9:30:29
I just got an email from some guy named Nick Counter wanting to make an offer on Ellison Wonderland. Considering the current slump, I'm thinking the place is worth a couple million yen. Keep your eyes open for counteroffers, guys.
Portland, OR - Friday, March 7 2008 9:50:6
When the cat's away. . . .
"Jesus! What have you people done to this place?! Who put the signed photos of Nick Counter and Sidney Sheldon over the piano? Who made the American Idol frescos facing the driveway? (etc.)"
Not I, quacked the duck.
"I thought Loftus was gonna kiss Poe. . . ."
Come on, you know I don't swing that way.
Landing, New Jersey - Friday, March 7 2008 11:8:7
Everything Must Go!
I substituted a couple of boxes of Bantam Loveswepts for the Oz Collection. Figured Harlan hadn't gotten around to those yet (and hey, those Fabio covers are collectible!).
And now on to reading Captain Salt in Oz for the first time since 1974.
Lakewood, Colorado - Friday, March 7 2008 12:49:12
...And forget about all that other shit, what kind of dastardly villain turned Ellsion Wonderland into a tesseract?!? This is gonna be confusing, to say the least.
Steambird Springs, Alta California - Friday, March 7 2008 17:33:6
I actually like what you've done to the place.
Whose bright idea was it for the Doctor Who tapes to be recorded over with "Best Of Bukakke Babes 2007".
Honestly. Everyone knows 2004 was the best year.
Hey, look. I found the last three pallets of Hydrox cookies on Planet Earth. How did you all ever miss 'em? They were right here behind the-
You snooze, etc.
Go away, kid; you bother me.
Of the Blind - Friday, March 7 2008 22:35:16
Wonderland-Ellison = cat's away!
Cool! Can my Cannibal Corpse tribute band rehearse in the living room? All this open space will make for a great mosh pit!
Hines, Oregon - Friday, March 7 2008 23:3:29
To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!
...You guys better have this all cleaned up before Mom 'n' Dad get home, or there'll be seventeen flavors of Hell to pay. And somebody please, please, PLEASE get the vacuum and get that "PHUQUE" smoothed outta the carpet...
- Saturday, March 8 2008 8:10:56
Nice touch whoever put up the black velvet paintings in the entry to Wonderland.
The reversing of Harlan's t-shirts got to be a chore so I've just replaced the lot of them with ones that say "But in Purple I'm Stunning."
Bremerton, Washington - Saturday, March 8 2008 11:50:32
Steve B. -- Yes, Harlan is stunning in purple, and he may have become one with his inner self, but I'll be he's passed out again. Everyone knows what a closet lush Harlan is despite his enthusiastic denials, which is why I'm restocking his closet stash of Old English 800 and Wild Turkey. Hands off, you guys. Harlan will want to unwind after the event.
- Saturday, March 8 2008 13:5:17
The truck filled with The Absolutely Complete Barbara Streisand In All Media (vinyl, CD, DVD, Betamax plus lobby cards and sheet posters) has arrived. Could a couple of you stronger lads help me drag the stuff inside. I want to get it properly alphabetized before the folks come back.
Hines, Oregon - Saturday, March 8 2008 22:0:6
Michael: my appreciation for the Lovecraft page is inversely proportionate to Harlan's at the welcome-home you've so lovingly prepared. The horror... the horror...
St. Paul, MN - Sunday, March 9 2008 5:42:8
While that Harlan cat's away...
...you mice have your fun. But some things just go too far: Word on the street is Shatner just watched PINK FLAMINGOS and is on his way over to lick everything in the place.
Allentown, PA - Sunday, March 9 2008 8:2:27
OK, I've finished the books and I'm now replacing all of the fine glassware with melmac.
Hines, Oregon - Sunday, March 9 2008 10:2:2
I'm not sure you guys are supposed to have any company over while your folks are out, so I won't stay long (unless Steve E.'s cover band can kick a couple of Slayer tunes as well as CC). I just wanted to thank all involved in the Lovecraft art giveaway... By the way... Old English and Wild Turkey, not a good combo if you want the carpets to stay clean before the folks get back ...you'll just have to trust me on this...
Honolulu, HI - Sunday, March 9 2008 16:58:34
The pool table needed work, so I Krazy glued "Hello Kitty" stickers to the table and the balls.
- Sunday, March 9 2008 19:20:24
A small problem with the redecoration.
I was just going to leave a quarter on the kitchen table, with an inverted glass filled with water over it. Unfortunately, the kids got under the radar and found the Toonerville Trolley.
"Throw Momma From the Train" met "Shattered Like a Glass Goblin."
How much is that thing worth, anyway?
Portland, OR - Sunday, March 9 2008 21:59:29
...And HARLAN -- I didn't go anywhere NEAR your house in the last four days, I SWEAR!
Ypsilanti, MI - Monday, March 10 2008 7:30:24
Dudes! Did you guys know Harlan has onna them bidet things? I was lookin' for the john because these here 30 years of Dragon magazine would be perfect for him to read on the can. When he's, you know, contemplating, like. Anyway, I'm not sure if people read on a bidet; it just seems a little, I dunno, weird. Soggy.
Eh? Whaddya mean no bidet? If there ain't no bidet then what the hell is wrong with his toilet? It's spraying water all over and the paint on them sad clown watercolors is starting to run.
Hey, don't look at me. It was like that when I walked in.
McDonough (Home of...well, there's me and...), GA - Monday, March 10 2008 7:36:33
A bit of cleanup
I could chase all of you out of the house, with my copy of Merv Griffin's "Appearing Nightly" album, but which is worse? Playing it or admitting you own it? This is the definition of a Pyrrhic victory.
Love the carpet gag, but who is that tied up on the floor?
Medina, Ohio - Monday, March 10 2008 7:54:2
Colleen wrote: "The pool table needed work, so I Krazy glued "Hello Kitty" stickers to the table and the balls."
I always knew that you were fearless, kiddo, but, geez, gluing Hello Kitty stickers to Harlan's balls is a new world's record.
- Monday, March 10 2008 8:1:22
Those of you who intend mischief in Ellison Wonderland while the master & mistress of the house are away should be aware that HE has a pet Shuggoth living in one nameless nook in his house specially trained for just such intrusions.
- Monday, March 10 2008 8:5:10
"And HARLAN -- I didn't go anywhere NEAR your house in the last four days, I SWEAR!"
Oh, yeah, I suppose that wasn't you lugging the black and yellow pile of Cliff's Notes into the house yesterday, eh actor-boy????
(I saw you while I was replacing the Doc Savage collector figurine with a Captain Kirk action figure.)
(Speaking of which, why does everything now have a Shatner tongue-print on it??? It's like a million snails have criss-crossed the bookshelves...)
Minneapolis, - Monday, March 10 2008 8:40:45
That was a Shoggoth making that weird, toneless piping sound? I thought it was just Brian playing his Merv Griffin album (and Brian, admitting you own it is FAR worse).
Bremerton, Washington - Monday, March 10 2008 10:41:55
Hey! What should I do with the two hundred surplus copies of Harlan & Josh's "Make Big Bucks Scabbing - Ask Me How" pamphlets? Is there room in his scrapbooks?
- Monday, March 10 2008 10:47:39
Okay, guys, ready?
Is everyone out of the house?
Barney, j'get the billiard table covered with honey?
Barber, did you shave the Yeti? Drug the Shoggoth? (Thanks, Ezra, for giving us the heads-up.)
Somebody thank Harry Turtledove for giving us the Alternate History machine, so we could have the Saarinen chairs remanufactured with medium-density fiberboard.
But LOOK, people. Harlan and Susan'll be home any day now. So what we gotta do is, we go out to the watershed land, camp out behind those trees, and make sure he dosn't see us until *after* he gets inside.
So is everybody here?
Everybody hunkered down?
Great. Now, we WAIT.
Keep it DOWN, Alex!
Portland, OR - Monday, March 10 2008 10:57:44
hiding out back
Let's cut down all the trees in the watershed, too!
Harlan'll appreciate the clear view of all the Republicans dying of smog in the Valley.
- Monday, March 10 2008 11:26:14
The vandalism looks nifty
But I think signing him up for every known email account and social networking site, as well as putting the detailed directions to his front door on the fant@gr@phics webpage should get somebody a cookie or two.
San Francsco, California - Monday, March 10 2008 11:30:56
I know all those chocolate fingerprings on all your dinosaur books and stuffs look like mine, but I swear they aren't.
I swear that one of the more devious Webdlanders figured out how to lift my prints, really, honest and true. I'd never have the chutzpa to mess up stuff that dosen't belong to me when the person is home, let alone when he's out having a good time!
And I know the prints smell of Hydrox, but that's not my fault either!
Silverado, - Monday, March 10 2008 15:57:44
Hey, I thought these boxes under the bed were supposed to be full of books!
Houston, TX - Monday, March 10 2008 16:11:40
One last addition
The little family of mice I let loose should help keep Harlan and Susan company at night, with the sounds of wee claws pitter-pattering about in the walls, and the new cat someone brought over will love the chase. I know such kind-hearted folks as Harlan & and his dear darling wouldn't have wanted to leave the poor things outside, starving and prey for other creatures...
- Monday, March 10 2008 16:45:48
um, before you decide to campout in the watershed...
I have repopulated the gophers and they've been rather busy, what with all the being fruitful and multiplying and all.
so watch where you step.
- Monday, March 10 2008 17:17:35
Loftus, quit jumping on Harlan's bed. One light beer and the guy goes crazy.
These artsy fartsy types, sheesh.
Steve Evil <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Monday, March 10 2008 18:11:55
The Wonderland Mosh. . .
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
The accoustics in this place are great! Wait 'till you see all the glass cabinets after THIS!
Lori Koonce <email@example.com>
San Francisco, California - Monday, March 10 2008 20:45:30
Mr Steve Evil
I could use your help.
All this shattered glass would make great mosaic material.
Wanna help me paint it so I can finally make that great mosaic of the Rolling Stone's lips logo I've always dreamed of making?
One and all: Any suggestions where I could put this most wonderful art work?
- Monday, March 10 2008 22:13:15
It took a little work...I was really up against the clock...but the job is done:
I re-routed Harlan's toilet plumbing so that it would lead to his neighbor's bathroom. Now, if either flushes, they only have each other to blame!
One quick check to make sure I didn't leave any of my tools around his place, and I'm outta here.
Hold on to your gaskets and watch the fun!
Australia - Monday, March 10 2008 23:30:58
I too have been skulking around Wonderland & must admit I have never seen so many Judith Krantz novels in one place. Also, Harlan, what an impressive collection of TekWar paraphernalia you have, & what’s this manuscript I see here, it looks like a Star Trek story where... Kirk & Spock make freaky space love while Bones Jacks Off in the corner.
Man, there is some strange shit happening here.
P.S What’s with the Garth Brooks shrine in the corner?
Perth, W.A. - Tuesday, March 11 2008 8:38:5
Reply to David Loftus
Yes - I agree. Just reporting it in, offering no opinion.
- Tuesday, March 11 2008 9:42:20
Love what y'all did to the place, though the lifesize mural of Gr0th above the bed may be a bit much.
Los Angeles, - Tuesday, March 11 2008 11:0:13
Ozzy just arrived and he wants to know where the liquor cabinet is.
Never mind; he said he'll just snort the trail of ants he found out back.
- Tuesday, March 11 2008 11:6:13
(My legs are getting cramped sitting here in the brush backside of Harlan and Susan's home. Maybe they're messing with us...)
Until such time as we get an official report, here's another excerpt of our heroes Harlan Ellison and Erik Nelson courtesy the folks at both Billboard Magazine and Brightcove.tv.
(God-damn it Kramer, that better be a gopher I'm feeling...)
- Tuesday, March 11 2008 11:22:26
Yeah. Barber's right.
I hadda sleep with an oak tree root in my back and now I gotta knot in my spine like you wouldn't be*leeeeve*.
And I couldn't sleep on accounta Frank Church sucking his teeth all night. All night. Every thirty seconds. And Barney rolls over on me, farts and mumbles, "Mmmm, kiss me again, honey" like he's schtupping Gwyneth Paltrow in Dreamland.
I can't take much mor'a this. A joke's a joke, and I loved writing biohazard symbols on Harlan's jelly glasses in Sharpie pen, but JEEzuss KEY-RIST, if I have to sleep in this crummy scrubbrush shithole with you guys ONE more night I'm gona fuckin' SCREAM.
They were gonna come back today, right?
'Cause otherwise, maybe we oughta go back inside and set things right.
Even the room where we bolted the furniture to the ceiling and the chandeliers to the floor.
Allentown, PA. - Tuesday, March 11 2008 15:27:38
I sleep indoors and I sleep like a baby...
And not one that needs constant changing.
You folks need to learn the difference between Merry Pranksterism and vandalism. I use my fictive skills to re-shelve and replace things. NOT to break and destroy things. It's a fine line, I admit, but I'm standing on THIS side of it.
Having said that, painting stuff in primary colors up at Wonderland would not be a problem. Painting lots of walls (if you could get to them) off-white and mushroom and clamshell and muther-fucking BEIGE - now, that would be a problem. BIG problem.
I did not put that gouge in the driveway. I did NOT set up a Playschool Kidee Hoops Court at the top of the drive. I did not replace the Kelly Freas and Dillon paintings with the crying clowns and the velvet painting of Jesus and Elvis and Sammy Davis, Jr. blessing a big rig on black velvet. Twern't me.
And if I were sleeping rough in a gully behind the house Mr. Doubleposter would have totally had to give it up. I have it on good authority from Alan Derschowitz that "sleep-rape" isn't really rape in or around Orange County. Just sayin'.
- Barney (backdoor) Dannelke
(This extended case of tomfoolery and hijinks wound down when forum members started to hear about the death of Dave Stevens, who Harlan knew. Barney's next comment was "aww crap. Just read back. Wrong note to play in the wake of the Dave Stevens news. Hangs head. Curses. Shuffles off.")