(Tweaking/cheating slightly by sometimes including the first two lines, and thus comes this:)
JAN.: When I gwow up, I wanna be like Mr. The Famous Mysterious Actor. He makes me go all laughy.
FEB.: My fever must like me.
MAR.: Daria O’Neill! Daria O’Neill! Daria O’Neill! I am a woo-hoo-ing fanboy.
APR.: May your soul reach a good place, John Paul II. And, karmically speaking, it is probably for the best that you survived April Fool’s Day; passing away yesterday would have seemed far too much like a cosmic joke at your expense.
MAY: ...that gum you like is going to come back in style.
JUN.: Heh, heh, heh. From my day planner's June 1st page: I love mankind -- it's people I can't stand. -- Charles Schulz
JUL.: Maybe it caused my cool dreams last night – which included flying on a futuristic version of the Spruce Goose and watching a motorcycle chase through, um, a bookstore – and I definitely know I was simultaneously amused and impressed by The Animation Show.
AUG.: Moments like this call for finding understanding and context by using the words of great sages. So to quote Beavis, “Fire! Fire! Fire!”
SEPT.: My two e-mail acquaintances who were in the Gulf Coast evacuation are safe.
OCT.: The phrase “From hell’s heart, I stab at thee!” should never be directed at oneself.
NOV.: As "Weird Al" Yankovic sang: Well it's time to celebrate your birthday, it happens every year/ We'll eat a lot of broccoli and drink a lot of beer
DEC.: Actual thought from actual me while I corrected a report: "The words small and hemorrhage do not go together."