Voice # 1: Oh no! It’s all gone wrong!
Voice # 2: She needs something to go right tonight!
Both # 1 and 2: Quick! Summon the Lay Men!
*objects-falling level of noise as the Lay Men scramble into place*
The Lay Men: Hup-hup-hup-hup-hup!
(The Lay Men line up. They’re manly men dressed in kilts, both traditional and UtiliKilt. They wear tight shirts showing off their physiques. Sharp Van Dykes mark their faces. They look determined. They wield dildos.)
The Lay Men: The Lay Men, yes! That’s what we are! Giving sexual healing from near to far!
We feed your need for laying speed! To get you satisfied is our creed!
Your stress, it stinks, so we handle kinks! And when we’re done, you’ll get forty winks!
Your dreams? Fulfilled! Your rest? Like the dead! You’ll feel LOADS better ’cause of what happened in bed!
The Lay Men: Us! You’ll be moved to cuss! We’re ready for you, without any fuss!
*beat chests in unison*
…the Lay Men. (They need a slogan. A slogan would go here.)