Chris Walsh (chris_walsh) wrote,
Chris Walsh
chris_walsh

FLASHBACKS, 02/03/1998: Star Wars: Revenge of the Pants

There’s this cheeky feature in The Oregonian’s Living Section called The Edge – quick entertainment tidbits, weird quotes, screwed-up headlines, lame jokes and so on. One of their features showed how lines from the Star Wars films change when you drop in the word “pants.” This hangs in a place of honor at my desk. I thought I’d have fun with it…
Here are The Edge attempts:
* Your pants betray you, Luke.
* The blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
* Governor Tarkin – I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
* The pants may not look like much, but they’ve got it where it counts.
* Pants me, Obi-Wan Kenobi! You’re my only hope!
* Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
* I find your lack of pants disturbing.
* Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
* These pants contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.
* Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give them more time!
* A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.

And here’s how I tackled the idea:
* Pants do not concern me – I want that ship!
* Hey, what’s the matter? You smell pants?
* Bounty hunters. We don’t need their pants.
* When 900 pants you reach, look as good you will not, hmm?
* Then I’ll see you in pants!
* Two pants against a Star Destroyer?
* You are in pants now, Admiral Piett.
* Our pants can’t repel firepower of that magnitude!
* There’s not enough life on this rock to fill pants.
* And I thought they smelled bad on the outside! (Hey, that was easy! I didn’t have to change any of the words… – Ed.)
* Good: our first pants of the day.
* Go for the pants! It’s our only way of stopping them!
* With the Imperial pants spread out across the galaxy…
* We’ve got to be able to get a reading on those pants, up or down.
* May the pants be with us.
* Yeah, I’m responsible these days – the price you pay for being pants.
* Curse my metal pants, I wasn’t fast enough!
* “I love pants.” “I know.”
* We have thousands of probe pants throughout the galaxy. I want proof, not pants.
* The pants are collapsing!
* The Rebels are routed – they’re fleeing into the pants.
* It would seem these pants are not entirely stable.
* Wedge, I lost my pants. You’ll have to take the shot.
* Pants make not one great.
* I’ve got a bad feeling about pants.

Remember, the pants will be with you, always.
Chris Walsh
Tags: flashbacks, out-of-context theater!, star wars
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